Warning: Do Not Read This Warning

When I was young (and strong, and charming, and psychotic) I took antibiotics as if they were ordinary medicine, without much concern for side-effects or interactions. But now, I find the warning labels almost frightening:

-- While taking this medication, do not step on linoleum tiles.

-- Avoid the colour orange.

-- Do not look at the Big Dipper.

-- Chew any and all food on the left side of your mouth. If you accidentally chew on the right, contact your local funeral home for immediate services.

-- If you begin to feel as if you were in the grip of overwhelming mutational forces, you are mistaken and should not be alarmed. Mutation occurs at the level of DNA sequencing, and can harm organisms in reproductive development; as a fully-developed, adult organism, you are most unlikely to sprout lobster claws, or to grow an extra brain, because of mutationary damage. Instead, the overpowering forces that compel your somatic structure to bulge and melt into the shape of a killer monstrosity are nothing more than a pharmaceutically-induced action of metamorphosis, a mere side-effect. It is not mutation. It is not mutation at all. It happens every year to caterpillars, and they never complain.